I figured that I had met two Staten Island guys in the last two years that were 1) hot 2) nice & 3) into me. Did I give either my number? No. Why? I’m dumb & hindsight is 20/20.

I saw that a S.I. guy had checked out my profile so I looked at his. He was cute & seemed nice….on screen. I sent him an email asking him some questions. He sent back a nice email but didn’t answer any of my questions. It’s almost as if he sent me an email not knowing I sent him one.

We did this four times in 6 days but he never seemed to delve any deeper than the basics of what’s already posted on the site. It just didn’t seem to be clicking & I wasn’t sure how that works when he wouldn’t answer any of the questions I asked & only asked me pointless things like “What’s the last band you saw?” and “Wow! So you work right down the street from where I last played, huh?”

Yeah. Great conversationalist. So, after the whole Chi-guy thing that happened earlier that same morning, I sent Mr. Band an email saying “it’s been nice emailing but that’s all this seems to be so good luck with the music thing.”

Was I expecting too much of this dating website?

As you read in the last post, some people deliberately put things on a profile that they do not mean and then do not understand when another person does not get the humor or sarcasm.  The internet, with its instant messaging and dating sites, is a flat medium for communicaiton.  The reader takes the message as he or she would read and interpret it.  They cannot hear your tone and do not know your sense of humor.  So, save it.

Be honest on the profile.  With words and pictures.  If your turn-offs are brainiacs, then say so.  Do not put it and then correspond with you were being sarcastic.  If your job is that of police officer, do not put animal trainer and look confused when asked about the fake profession.

Know how tall you are.  I had one guy (to be written about in the future) who stated in his profile that he was 5’9”.  When I went to meet him, he was 5’3”.  No joke.  I am 5’1” and was looking upwards quite a ways and did not see the man coming towards me, as I was not looking to make eye contact at eye level.  Did he think I wouldn’t notice?  I don’t care about height, but be honest about it.

Make sure the picture is current.  Do not post a picture from 8 or 10 years ago.  Make sure it is of current hair style and eye color.  Another guy I met had a picture that showed him blonde with blue/green eyes.  He had very dark brown hair (that was balding in quite a prominent pattern) and brown eyes.  Again, I was in a bit of a shock when the real man arrived and did not match most of his pictured features at all. 

If you really want to date to find a quality person with whom to have a LTR with, just be yourself.  Not only is ‘honesty the best policy’, but its the best way to start out on the right foot!

I got an email from a Mr. Obnoxious. He sent a basic one “Liked your profile. Check mine out. Maybe we’ll chat.”

I looked at it and saw that he does not like brainiacs nor does he like sarcasm. I sent back a polite email and said “Thank you but I see you find these two things a turn-off. I am a bit of a brainiac and a lot sarcastic. Good luck and thank you, again.”

To which I get an email back “Do you believe everything you read on the internet? Did you think maybe I was being sarcastic?”

So I sent back “I do not believe everything I read. However, when people sign up for such a site, I do expect them to be honest with their own profile.”

He replied “Again, do you think that maybe I was being sarcastic?”

I didn’t respond.

I got another email “Again, I was trying to be funny. You really do sound sweet. Maybe we’ll chat” Ummmmmmm……no?

So far, emotional baggage, no comprehension level, bad sense of humor, and attitude all the way. Is anyone normal on dating sites?

It’s all a matter of semantics.  And that’s the problem.  Be sure that if you are going out with someone for the first time, even a first meeting, that you are on the same page as to what the ‘meet’ is actually.  Too many people have too many phrases to label their phase of relationship.  They are ‘hanging out’, ‘seeing eachother’, ‘dating’, dating exclusively’, and ‘together’.  Huh?

When you are out with a person that you may have some form of interest in, and the activity or meeting is planned, it is a date.  Stop saying you are ‘hanging out with this guy (or girl)’.  You are not hanging out with them.  You are out on a date with him or her.  Make it formal.  Learn how to commit to something.  Even if it’s just a label.  Because when you think you are just ‘hanging out’, the other person may think that an invite out is a date.  The terms lead to different expectations of the event.

Bottom line:  if you want to hang out with someone, call your friends.

I had been chatting online with Mr. Sarcasm for three days. He seemed okay and asked if I’d like to talk on the phone. Sure! So he gave me his # and I called it the next day on the way back to work. We talked for a bit. He was very sarcastic & that’s all well & good, but if I don’t know you and you don’t know me, things can be misconstrued.

I tried to get him off the phone because I have to go to class. He didn’t seem to understand this. I was being as clear and direct as a gal can be: “My class starts in 3 minutes and I have to get going. It’s the first night.” “Oh yeah? Where do you teach? What class are you getting ready to teach?” …..(Because I was in my cubicle getting ready to literally run)”I’ll tell you at another time. I really must be going. You can call me later or tomorrow if you want.” “Why? Don’t you want to talk to me now?” I politely said “I have to go. Talk to you soon.”

He called later on the next night….10ish. We talk a bit more. He liked to talk about himself & each time I asked a question he rambled on for a few moments and would then say “So why aren’t you talking?” I would respond “What would you like me to say?” and he would then go into another story. So interest was solely with him….about him….whatever. He never did ask me about my job or class or school again.

He asked me if I have any siblings & I said yes & told him how we went to the outlets for the day that past Sunday. He asked “Did you buy me anything?” I said “Wait ’til you see” (my first jump at sarcasm with this guy). He said “I got you something, too.” I said “Oh yeah? What?” and he said “The same thing I gave you last year” and began to crack up.

I did not laugh because I didn’t find this funny. As a matter of fact, I plain just didn’t get it. So he said “C’mon! That was funny!” I said “No, it wasn’t”. With that, there’s a moment or two of silence and he asked “So, you don’t want to talk anymore? Don’t you get sarcasm?” I said “I didn’t say I don’t want to talk anymore. I did not know where to move the conversation.” Now he began to get a bit much for me & I finally said “Look, if you don’t want to talk that’s fine. There’s no loss on either of our parts. It’s a phone call to a virtual stranger.” To which he said “So, what? You can’t joke around?”

We left off shortly after. He asked if he could take me out to dinner and I said we agreed to meet for  coffee. He became angry at that. I pointed out that if this was a problem, that’s okay. Again, no loss for either of us. He asked if he could call me the next day. I said that would be fine, if he wanted to.

I got an email ………………….6:00 am “Wishing you a good morning ”

Sweet? Stalker? Possessive already? You tell me.

Mr Sarcasm sends a message

I turned on my phone the next morning to find a text from Mr. Sarcasm. All it said was “good morning”.

I was not sure how to proceed. I felt a bit jaded with the site and I wondered why he flipped out on me then said he wanted to meet and then sent me emails and a text that I’d expect to get from a guy I went on a date with and really liked.

Again…………sweet? stalker? HELP!

It sounds so cliche in these modern times to meet someone for coffee.  But, it is probably one of the more wise situations in which to interact with a person.  And, contrary to popular belief, you do not have to get coffee.  One can have either a hot or cold beverage.  Many menus offer flavored coffees, a variety of teas, hot chocolates, iced teas, iced coffees, and, if not one of those beverages whets your palate, then take your own bottle of soda. 

There are many reasons why one should meet at a coffee shop for a first interaction.  Notice, I say interaction and not date.  That is what the first encoutner is really.  It’s an interaction.  And don’t sit there and say “Oh, well, I’ve been emailing and texting with this person for three days now so I know them”.  Oh no you don’t.  You know what you have read and (probably didn’t) retain.  You know what they wanted you to know….be it true or false.

You are saying “I want to have a couple of drinks.  What’s the harm in meeting for drinks?”  Skip the alcohol.  So many people say they need a drink or two for that ‘liquid courage’.  If you need to be mellowed out by the effects of alcohol, then stay home and relax.  Or go out with a friend and hang out.  If you want to meet people and attempt to find someone to be in a long-term relationship with, then go in with a clear mind.  And, we all know that one goes down pretty easily.  And that the second one is even easier than that first drink.  And, before you know it, you are sharing things or asking questions that one probably should not be asking on a first interaction or date.

Coffee houses are public, bright, and do not have the noise that a bar or restaurant may have.  You can have an actual conversation and get to know the person without yelling “What?” over and over. 

And……………drum roll please…………..coffee can be a half hour activity.  If the person you have met is not what you expected or doesn’t seem to be interesting (or interested),  or you are getting that ‘vibe’ that it was not wise to meet this person in the first place, you can leave after a brief time. 

However, with coffee, you can make it linger if you are having fun.  And, if it’s going well, you can then head to a bar or restaurant to turn this interaction into more of a ‘date’ scenario. 

I’ve been in both situations.  I have met men for coffee that did not look anything like their pictures (talk about false advertising!) or they were giving off a vibe that I did not feel safe around them, and coffee was a quick and painless way to keep the interaction short.  I have met men that we clicked immediately and sat there for two hours just chatting.  I have also been invited to take the interaction from said coffee location to a restaurant nearby, and then had either lunch, dinner, or even just split a few appetizers and continued talking.

Do what you think works for you, but, trust me on this one.  I wouldn’t have spilled the beans if it wasn’t worth the tip!

I went out on my first “match” date.  ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE! I say “Absolutely” because with each story I told, this guy had no idea what I was saying, and he’d nod in agreement and say “absolutely” to each comment. I may as well have spoken Japanese and I would have gotten the same remark.

We met at Starbucks. Innocent enough. He got out & looked sort of like his picture. Now, I believe my pics look like me. Why would I post something that doesn’t represent me in my usual hoodie on. The others are in Vegas with sweat dripping but I still look pretty good. Back to Mr. Absolutely.  His hair is buzzed shorter than the picture he sent, his muscles are bigger, and he seems stockier than what the picture showed. Okay, looks aren’t everything.

So we met. In the parking lot. He was nervous as his voice was shaky & jittery as he spoke with me. He drives a tractor trailer for the Post Office……from Bethpage to Philly five days a week. His profile said he has “some college”. Now I don’t need you to have a degree, but I need you to have a brain. This guy was a box of rox. Yes, I spelled it the way he would. “Some college” turns out to be that he tried to take an English class once and, after two classes, didn’t like it nor did he finish it. We talked. Aimlessly because when I thought we had a conversation going, he’d say “That’s like when……” and come up with something that had NOTHING to do with whatever! He asked me about the beer picture. So I was telling him about Munich & the Hofbrau & the radler and how the German boys made fun of us for drinking a radler. He responded with “I hate to fly”. I narrowed my eyes for a moment, feeling my forehead furrow, and said “Why do you hate to fly?” He replied “It was like this time my brother drove up from Florida with his two kids and I didn’t want to go to work the next day. So I called in sick and they couldn’t get anyone to cover my route from midnight ’til 4 am”.

Yeah—-that’s how I felt, too. The whole time I wanted to cry because he wasn’t (my ex) Cowboy.  Mr. Absolutely didn’t like to shop. He doesn’t like to fly. He CAN’T COMMUNICATE! And where is Cowboy, you ask?  Not here.

I was raised to not use profane language.  The threat was that I’d have my mouth washed out with a bar of Dial if my parents ever heard me curse.  I took that literally.  And, to this day, I believe that they still mean it.

I don’t curse.  I don’t point this out to people, as I want them to be as natural as they can and say what they want to say.  It gives me a better sense of who they are, their thoughts, and their awareness of their own surroundings.  After a few conversations with a guy, he’ll point it out to me:  “So, ummm, you don’t curse?  That’s cool.  No no.  I mean it.  I can’t stand it when a woman curses.  What’s worse is when she curses more than me!”

Then said guy will point out a few weeks later that he has noticed how much profane language he uses and didn’t realize it.  I am always surprised that people do not have a sense of what words come out of their mouths, especially the words they seem to use more often than others.

Fast-forward a few conversations and now said guy is apologizing after catching himself cursing infront of me.  I always say that he has no reason to apologize and he will (90% of the time) say “Its not polite to curse infront of a lady.  Its just been so long since I went out with a woman who doesn’t and can talk good”.  Yeah…..’good’. 

Have manners.  Have respect.  People either use cursing for a shock-value, out of anger, or many don’t even realize that they have said the profane word.  Seriously.  The next time a friend of yours is telling a story and they curse in a sentence, ask them to repeat the sentence.  They usually omit the curse.  Now ask them to repeat what they said verbatum.  The curse will still be omitted.  And when you point this out to him or her, he or she will deny it and be a bit shocked. 

To the girls who use the “b” word to describe themselves or friends (or any other woman), stop it.  It’s degrading.  And makes you look bad.  It also gives men the ability to use it and not realize anything is wrong with it. 

To the men who use it to refer to his woman, call her over, or describe her attitude:  Just don’t.  You say you care.  You say that she is special.  This is no way to describe someone you care for or call over the person you are interested in dating.

A HUGE part of dating is respect, both for yourself and for the other person.  Language communicates respect.  And, language is a major portion of a successful relationship.  So, if you want to find a healthy relationship, learn how to speak without the profanity.