The whole email and texting thing is great.  Really, it is.  But when that is all you do, you convey to another person that you are either too busy to meet up or not as interested as one would hope. 

I have had some people want to email for the first three or four interactions and then they will progress to phone calls for the next three or so, ………………………….and then maybe we will meet.  That is a lot of time and energy for a person that you may or may not “click” with once you meet in the physical form. 

If you are in this to just meet new people, hang out, and see where things go, then great!  Take as much time as you want.  But, if you are truly looking to have a serious relationship and find that one person, then continue reading:

As suggested in an earlier tip, don’t text.  Stick to phone calls.  And two should be enough to determine if you even want to meet up and talk face-to-face.  Get that cup of coffee (or tea) and sit down and have a real conversation.  If either you or the other person is stalling, too busy, or just dragging heels, move on.  Your interest has obviously not been peaked enough to even offer effort at this early/almost nonexistent stage of the game.

My friend, Dawn, had gone out on two dates with a guy in three weeks.  He hadn’t called in about a week and she was fine with that.  She was not into dating him and said he hadn’t seemed interested either.  Until………………….

This guy called her and left a message on her voicemail:

     “Hey. It’s “J”. Just wanted to say that today is our one month anniversary. Happy Anniversary.”

Ummmm………….I almost dropped the phone. I said “I didn’t know you were an item.” She said “I didn’t know either”. She & I were both in shock that she had a boyfriend but didn’t even know it. ???????????????? Didn’t we stop doing things like that in college? I think the last guy who did that was freshman year & we did not have cellphones.

This dating thing is getting too weird.

DO NOT GO BACK! 

I can not state it more clear than that.  As it said in the post from the other day, Greg Behrendt even wrote a book stating that it is a break up because it is broken.  It didn’t work.  How many times did you break up & make up?  Too many to remember?  And over what?  Too silly to recall?  Then move on.

I know that I went back to a past boyfriend.  I had hit a low point.  The dates I had been on seemed so superficial and exhausting.  The men I was encountering were more set on building up their fragile self-esteem than they were in trying to get to know me and allowing me to see the real them.  I had it with bad manners, interview-type questions, and having to wonder if the person sitting across from me was behaving as they would in a normal situation.

I went back.  For a few days.  I went in knowing I wanted nothing from him except comfort and familiarity.  You know the type–like on a rainy day when you can’t think of anything better than going home, putting on warm, comfortable  pajamas, and having a hot cup of tea or coffee with a few really good cookies curled up on the couch.  That was that move for me:  brief and momentary.  That’s it.

Do not do it if you are thinking that there is “still something there”.  Do not do it if you still have any feelings for that person.  I knew then (as I do now) that I cared for him on some leevl, but he was not for me nor I for him and that was good with me.  My heart was not in it, my mind had already said that this was done and over and I could not, nor would I, shed one more tear over Gameboy.  I had done that.  Years ago.  The time and detachment were there for me, so it was safe.

Try not to keep past relationships too near.  They can hinder you from moving forward.  And that is what we all need to do at some point:  move forward.

I met up with my friend (from Taco Tuesday)  for the third time in 3 days & went to a martini bar down in Long Beach. Angel Fish is a cute little restaurant with a bar that has stools & nice leather couches for minglers & smoochers to congregate. I ordered a Sandy Beach……something with Malibu, some other liquor, orange & pineapple juice. If a sandy beach were edible, this is what it would taste like.

The drink hit me harder than I knew it would.  So, I did what any gal with a buzz and no success with dating would do:  I called an ex.  Gameboy, a former boyfriend (from 2001) who “pops” up out of nowehere every now and again and I manage to contact him when I have a buzz going on, and reminded him I had his pen from Tuesday night. He said come over. I said okay. Things were fun but went futher than expected. What I mean by that last statement is this: We laughed & talked & he held me while we relaxed together. Then it began. “Do you remember that Valentine’s Day when……………” and “Do you know I found the ticket stub to the concert we went to at MSG” and “I remember that night we went to……… and you were wearing……….”

I asked him how he remembers all of this. He said he remembers things that are special and important to him. So I asked how his other ex-gfs react when he can recall so much. He said he doesn’t do this for them. I asked why and he said because they don’t stand out as much.

……………………………………………….

I asked him if he’s okay with this situation. He said he’s fine with it as long as I am. I asked him how many other exes he’s helping out this way. None. He “said” he has had offers & requests, but doesn’t want to. I asked why not. He said he has his reasons. Then he went back to recalling things from six years ago and I laid there smiling and listening to him. 

Now, why didn’t this work out between us years ago?  Because it didn’t.  I mean, when you earn a title such as “Gameboy”, it can’t have been a good (or real) experience.  And, as Greg Behrendt says, “It’s a break up because its broken”.  And I know that is true.  But, tell, me, is there anything more comforting when you are alone and having bad dating experiences than to get a call or text from an ‘old flame’ and hang out with them?  They know how to make you smile.  They know what little things make you happy.  And its nice to be comfortable for a change instead of playing the stupid games so many play from Day-One. 

Can I tell you one of my favorite things of all time? Waking up the next morning to smell a guy’s cologne in my hair. I haven’t had that in awhile and it was so nice. It is one of the things that can put an instant smile on my face. I had to remember to thank Gameboy for that.

I decided to continue my New Year’s resolution of “take every offer to go out”.  I met up one night with a friend for Taco Tuesday. She goes to a bar with a friend from work for $1 tacos and a few beers. I was lucky enough to join them that evening. Or so I thought.

We went into the bar & met up with a friend of hers and this woman’s “non” boyfriend…..who introduced himself as a “self-proclaimed loser”.  (Okay–he used another word that begins with a ‘p’, but that’s not my style.)  Self-Proclaimed was his “usual” self, according to this woman. He was saying innapropriate things & laughing……37 but acts like a 15 year-old who knows mom won’t hear what he’s saying.

I didn’t find him funny, but laughed and bantered with him to be nice & fit in. The first thing I heard about him, after his proclamation, is that his is small but he knows how to use it. I said “Well, that’s good for you then. And the women in your life, right?” and he continued on about his apparatus. Whatever.

Self-Proclaimed began arguing with the woman about talking to other women & my friend was nowhere in sight. He turns to look at me and says “Do you shave?” I ignored him.  The bartender (who knows SP well because the guy is there all of the time) says “What the hell are you doing? That’s enough already.” So I looked at SP and just smiled and pretended I had no idea what he was talking about. He said is again and I leaned in and said “I don’t get it” and tried to let it go. He now gets louder and says “Cmon, what is it? Mohawk, Hitler, or….(insert knocking on the bar here)”?

I finally lean in because I had enough and I said “F you” and sat back. He says “That’s not an answer. We want to know”. I said “That was an answer. And here’s more. You really are a P… and you’ve now gone too far”. He leaves for the men’s room….and the woman said “Don’t be mad. This is him. He’s funny. Just don’t be mad.” I said “I’m not mad. I tried to let him get it that I wasn’t answering and he pushed. Don’t think I am mad but that was enough”.  The Self-Proclaimed Loaer said “I just said to your friend that you hate me and I think you’re arrogant anyway”. I said “That’s nice. You can proclaim yourself to be a P and that’s funny too, but when you go too far it’s the other person who is whatever and nothing on you”.

SP disappeared for a couple of minutes and came back and said he wanted to apologize and put out his hand. I said that was fine but I was not shaking his hand. This offended him more. Oh well!

I dropped off my friend & we chat about this for a moment & she said he is a jackass & this is how men are. I said “This is not how men are. My exes would not behave this way in front of me & towards a woman they didn’t know. My friends John or Doug?  My brother & his friends? Guys I know would NEVER do this. Your friend needs to raise her standards. This guy is 37, divorced, has 2 kids, treats her like crap because she thinks that’s all she’s worth, and this is why HE is that way.”

Is this all that is really out there?  Insecure women and the men who treat them like dirt?  I’d rather be alone.

When you are single and searching, you try to go out with as many people as you can.  Why?  Because you know it won’t work out with all of them and if you turn someone down because you have a date set up with one person and want to see how it goes, that person you just said no to may move on to someone else.  And, as with many things in life, we only get one chance. 

We date many.  At once.  None of them are serious, as many are all first dates.  I will admit that I had six first dates and three second dates (total of 9 different men) in a 15-day period.  Why would I lock myself into one and only one when I was not sure how that would work out?  It’s a first date.  Many of these dates were coffee or a drink.  There’s nothing to lose by going out with different people.  It’s just a meeting, per se. 

I had conversed with a man briefly (never went out though) who said if we made a plan to go out, he wanted me to take my profile off of the site so that we could focus solely on eachother.  And, if my profile did not come down, he would not go out with me.  I pointed out that I paid for the service and was not about to forfeit some of that time and money for a date with a stranger.  I thought he should understand that when one has paid for a service, one wants to use it until it is over.  He disagreed.  And that was fine.  He has every right to disagree.  He ended up taking his profile down for a week, as he “met someone” and went on four dates with her in a week and they decided it wasn’t going to work and he put himself back on as active.  He contacted me again telling me how it didn’t work with that woman and asking if I had changed my mind.  Nope.

To me, the idea of “focusing solely” on someone I do not know at all is odd.  I like to ease into things.  I mean, if there’s that instant chemistry there or a “love at 1st sight”, then go for it!  But that has not happened to me.  Maybe its because I (like so many who have been hurt) am guarded.  I like to take things slow and that works for me. 

Each man did not know about the others.  There was no need to tell any of them.  I didn’t hide the information; I didn’t offer it up, either.  I will say that most did not make it past the first or second date. 

As they say “don’t put all of your eggs in one basket”.  Go out with anyone that agrees to meet up for an hour.  If they seem interesting (and you aren’t getting any weird vibes or that icky feeling inside) why not give it a shot?  Hey, you never know what may happen!

Chi-town guy & I had emailed on the site a couple of times & he sent me his number. I called it on a Tuesday night. He didn’t answer so I left a message. He called me back that Thursday night and we chatted for an hour and a half. He seemed really nice. We talked about his having lived in CT for 3 years & Chicago for 7 & now he’s back on LI because he has 2 nieces & 2 nephews that he wants to be near. SO CUTE! We talked about the site. He’d been on 6 weeks…..which is also how long he had been at his job. He’s an advertisement salesman for some firm & does well. Problem? He doesn’t know anyone here & anyone he did know is married & doesn’t know anyone single for him.  I know that story all too well!

He asked me about my job & I told him what I do. Silence. He said he was very impressed, but I got the feeling that his silence was not impression at all.

We talked literature……he likes Alfred E. Newman…..I said “who?”…..he said “Mad Magazine?” I giggled and said I had never read it.

We talked film….he loves Borat & Napoleon Dynamite. I told him I didn’t see Borat & don’t care if I do and that I began crying out of sheer pain 20 minutes into Napoleon.

We left off with meeting at Friday’s the next night around 8 for drinks.

I got up the next morning (Friday) & checked my email & there’s one from Chi-town. “Hey. I am going to cancel tonight. I don’t think we have anything in common. Let me know you got this.”

I sent it back saying “Okay, that’s fine. I don’t understand why you say that when we talked for an hour & a half last night, but if that’s how you feel. Best of luck to you with your job & this site……” and my name.

He sent it back “I think I am too sophomoric for you. You seem serious.”

So I reply “Again, I don’t know you & if that’s your impression of yourself, that’s fine. However, I am a HUGE kid.” and told him some of my silliness. Again, I wished him luck in his pursuit & that’s it.

My date canceled because I am “too serious”. This is why I don’t tell people what I do for a living. This is why I have sat through really bad movies so people won’t say that. I am tired of people in general. And I don’t want to lie to someone because if it works out & I have to finally admit my age, my taste in film, my job…..they won’t like it that I had lied.

I didn’t want to be single. I didn’t want my Ex to cheat on me and to go. I didn’t think this is how things would be. Does it get better?

It’s true.  Don’t tell your mom that she was right when she originally told you this, otherwise she’ll never let you hear the end of it.

We’ve all been there.  The person who is just beyond physically attractive and you cannot wait to talk to them.  You finally get the opportunity and they open their mouth and Poof!  The mystery and attraction are gone and you cannot think of a person who turns you off more than this individual.  And yet, there’s that other person that you had a class with or worked on a project with and there was no attraction on your part.  But the more you chatted with them, spent time with them, and got to open up to this person, he or she became one of the most appealing and attractive people you knew.  Wow!

With online dating, people only display the pictures that are their favorites and make them the most appealing to attract others.  I get it.  We all do it.  But we don’t always look like that.  A woman is not always in full makeup and a man is not going out in a tuxedo every day.  But those are many of the pictures we see.  Oh–and let’s not forget the cleavage shots or the ones of the men flexing shirtless in the mirror.  Classic! 

Get over yourself.  If Vanity is thy name, then go solely on the pictures and do not be upset when you cannot figure out why the dates are always the same and never really progress beyond your usual encounters.  Maybe because you keep basing it all on the pictures and looks only.

Read the profiles.  If someone posted a hobby that you share or book that you read, contact them and make a connection.  Begin a conversation with something other than only being able to compliment the person on their physical appearance.  Try a “So, what part of the book did you connect with?  For me, it was……” Or if its a hobby, ask the person “Do you attend the local trade/convention/workshop for that?  I went last time and was amazed to learn…”.  This may lead to a real conversation and a connection that goes beyond the physical.  It’s a great way to actually see if there is the potential for anything there.