I had stated that, too, in the blog somewhere.  That you should not change.  For anyone.  Nor should you expect the other person to change for you.  You are dating them for who they are; and they are dating you for who you are. 

To date someone and hope to change them is just wrong. 

And to think that someone you dated has ‘changed their ways’  is just plain silly.  And a BIG reason for you to not go back to them.  Take what you had, cherish it, learn from it, and move on.

Each failed relationship can be a learning experience to bring you closer to the relationship you want and deserve. 

Keep looking forward and be excited about the prospects.

He was supposed to meet up with us on a Thursday night at a bar in NYC called Katwalk. Well, he never made it to the Katwalk, but he had said call him no matter what because he was going to drive me home. Nice! So I call & text him & get nothing. He had a meeting. So he calls me the next day & leaves me a message apologizing & says to call him back. So I do, but he doesn’t return the call.

Five days later, I got a text from him that said to call when I had a moment. So I called on my way out  & ended up leaving him a message. Shocker.  I then called him again when I was on my way home & could barely hear him. He was slurring his words & said something along he lines of his friend likes me and he feels bad & doesn’t know what to do & he is angry with me because he thinks I am seeing someone……….blah blah blah…………..and then hangs up on me.

I sent him a text two days later & did not hear  back from him. Oh the games we play!

In last night episode of “The Hills”, when Heidi was confronted about her husband’s scary and out-of-control behavior, she said to two other women (Kristin and Audrina) that “All men are a little controlling”.  ??????  Did you hear the bells and whistles going off? 

Yes, men are a ’little controlling’.  Men who are insecure, weak, abusive, and trying to make themselves feel better by keeping a tight leash on you, Heidi, and proving to themselves that they are ‘a man’. 

A true man, a gentleman, is secure with himself.  He is not controlling.  He is fine when his wife or girlfriend has her own job, makes her own money, can take care of herself.  He likes it when she expresses interests in hobbies, her friends, and the relationship.  A man wants his wife or girlfriend to be herself; a whole person who can define herself with and without him.  He encourages her to try things, go out, and live life.  He then wants to be there later on to hear how exciting her day was or how she has taken to this new hobby and can’t wait to do it again. 

Heidi said that she doesn’t know who she is without her husband.  (I will not write his name in here as he has been such a publicity hound for a do-nothing jerk who has now realized that he is nothing and that is one reason why he controls this woman.)

My fear is that so many women who saw that episode last night will say “See?  Heidi is with that guy and she’s ok.  My guy acts just like that.  We’ll be fine.” 

No.  You won’t. 

Just because she justifies her husband’s behavior and stays with him and dismisses it as if it were a fly buzzing around her alfresco table does not mean it is okay.  Or healthy.  Or safe. 

To be in a healthy relationship, you should be able to define who you are as an individual first.  If you can’t do that, then you are not ready for a serious, long-term commitment.  You need to go into a relationship as a whole person with another person who is also whole.  Learn to define yourself for you and the relationship.  The relationship should not be all of you.   A romantic relationship is just one facet of our lives.  Is it fair to the other person if you go into it looking to define yourself through it?  No.

How do I know this?  How do I know that abuse is not good and will not change?  I was in one when I was a freshman in college.  It was a nightmare.  I went from being a happy, bubbly, confident young woman to someone who became isolated, lost friends, lost confidence, sat home every weekend crying, waiting for the phone to ring because he’d fight with me every Thursday so he could go out with his friends and then call late Sunday night to make up with me and be together again until the next Thursday night.

It became possessive.  Controlling.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive.   I was only in the relationship for 9 months, but feel the scars of it to this day. 

MTV needs to ‘pull the plug’ on those two characters and edit the remaining episodes to not include Heidi or her husband.  They need to do a special for young women and men that straightens out this mess created by these two sensationalized nobodys.  And they need to do it with real people; not Dr. Drew and others, as nobody wants to hear what doctors and psychologists have to say.  They need real people and their real stories.  They need some kind of dating workshop special to run so that women who watch can learn that it is okay to define yourself as a single person, to be happy with who you are, and that when they find someone, he, too, will be happy with who she is because of who she is to him.

And, for this, I find it difficult to find a man.  A true gentleman.  So many want to make out after just an hour of face-to-face talking.  They want to do more and can’t figure out why I only want to talk.  Hello!  I don’t even know you!  And, in some cases, I just found out that you don’t really look the way you portrayed yourself in pictures on a dating site.

I’ve had men ask me in first phone calls what I’m willing to do and how soon it will be before we can do __________ (fill in the blank).  Some are the basics; some are raunchy — and maybe even illegal in some States.  I have had some who live 45 minutes away ask if they can stay the night if we do decide to meet up.  Why are you staying over?  It’s only a 45-minute drive.  And what makes you think that I’d let a strange man stay in my home?  Are you nuts?!?

I read about a study done that polled women to see how long they wait to have sex with a guy.  70% have sex within the first month of meeting someone.  I believe the study said 20% of that group has it on the first date.  Only 30% wait a month to three months and of that group, 13% wait at least three months.

I’m confused by all of this.  No wonder people are falling into and out of relationships like the stock market numbers climb and plummet within a day.  How about waiting to become intimate?  What’s the big deal?  We’ve all been there.  When we wait for intimacy and we have developed true feelings for a person.  We know that anything with that one is better; the kissing, the touching, even just the sparks that are given off by holding hands.  It goes beyond lust and the instant gratification of the physical needs. 

What about being monogomous?  And that does not mean you aren’t dating anyone else for the last two weeks…..simply because nobody ele has come along.  I mean true monogamy.  Where its been just you and that person and you’ve had the conversation that there is no one else and the focus is on just the two of you.

I want a date to be a date.  We go out.  We have an activity or a meal (or both).  We have good conversation.  And it ends with a hug or, just maybe, a kiss.  I want there to be anticipation.  I want there to be thoughtfulness and tenderness.  I want to know I’m an adult and that I am out with an adult and not some guy who still rages with his hormones like he’s 16 and looking for one thing. 

Slow and steady wins the race…………….or, in this case, the relationship.

OH SO PAINFUL!

So I figured I’d better call back before he sends out the National Guard looking to see if I really do exist or something. Our conversation was just as painful that afternoon as it was that Friday night in the bar. He didn’t have much to say. It took him 15 minutes of babbling and silence to finally ask if I wanted to grab a coffee or something. I told him that I would but I am not free until the following weekend. I (stupidly) mentioned that I was going to the city that Thursday with Christina (whom he says hello to) and he said “Oh! I wish I could go!” I said “yeah, well, so many wish they could but aren’t.” And I left it at that. I had to instruct him to call me mid-week. Not before and not after, as I would not be available and do not want endless messages on my cell. He said okay.

So now I am going to have to figure out how to go & politely let down this guy who took such a chance on approaching a woman in a bar that night. Why couldn’t he be normal?