Call me old-fashioned.  I am.  I don’t understand the rush with relationships.   I am a fan of the ‘silver screen’ classics.  I like a it of chivalry; a bit of mysetery.  I like a man who doesn’t want to speed up the process for any reason.

And, for this, I find it difficult to find a man.  A true gentleman.  So many want to make out after just an hour of face-to-face talking.  They want to do more and can’t figure out why I only want to talk.  Hello!  I don’t even know you!  And, in some cases, I just found out that you don’t really look the way you portrayed yourself in pictures on a dating site.

I’ve had men ask me in first phone calls what I’m willing to do and how soon it will be before we can do __________ (fill in the blank).  Some are the basics; some are raunchy — and maybe even illegal in some States.  I have had some who live 45 minutes away ask if they can stay the night if we do decide to meet up.  Why are you staying over?  It’s only a 45-minute drive.  And what makes you think that I’d let a strange man stay in my home?  Are you nuts?!?

I read about a study done that polled women to see how long they wait to have sex with a guy.  70% have sex within the first month of meeting someone.  I believe the study said 20% of that group has it on the first date.  Only 30% wait a month to three months and of that group, 13% wait at least three months.

I’m confused by all of this.  No wonder people are falling into and out of relationships like the stock market numbers climb and plummet within a day.  How about waiting to become intimate?  What’s the big deal?  We’ve all been there.  When we wait for intimacy and we have developed true feelings for a person.  We know that anything with that one is better; the kissing, the touching, even just the sparks that are given off by holding hands.  It goes beyond lust and the instant gratification of the physical needs. 

What about being monogomous?  And that does not mean you aren’t dating anyone else for the last two weeks…..simply because nobody ele has come along.  I mean true monogamy.  Where its been just you and that person and you’ve had the conversation that there is no one else and the focus is on just the two of you.

I want a date to be a date.  We go out.  We have an activity or a meal (or both).  We have good conversation.  And it ends with a hug or, just maybe, a kiss.  I want there to be anticipation.  I want there to be thoughtfulness and tenderness.  I want to know I’m an adult and that I am out with an adult and not some guy who still rages with his hormones like he’s 16 and looking for one thing. 

Slow and steady wins the race…………….or, in this case, the relationship.

I was all set to meet Mr. Law at 9pm at B&N for coffee & conversations. We left off with I would call him to let him know I had finished at work & was on my way. I called at 8:55 to say I would be there in five minutes. He says he’ll be there at that time, too. I said I wanted to look for a book I needed & this is where it gets weird:

“So do you want me to go to TJ Max while you look for the book?”                 “No. You can look in the store, too, if you want.”                                                “Well, I just don’t want you to think I am smothering you if I tag along.” “Umm….well, we are meeting in a bookstore so why not look around while we are there?”                                                                                                                          “Do you want to go to the gym with me? We could do that instead.”                    “I just came from work & am all dressed and I don’t go to gyms, and we did say we’d meet for coffee.”                                                                                                       “I guess you’re right, but I have a visitor’s pass if you want to go.”                       “Again, thanks, but no. I am all dressed & have no clothes to use for working out.”                                                                                                                                              “Well, we could sit in the sauna and talk.”                                                                   “You can go to the gym and I will be at the store buying my book & getting coffee. I will be on the second level in the far right-hand corner.”

I get there precisely at 9pm and go off to find my book. I figured he’d be there within 5 minutes so I stalled, hoping to meet in the rows of books rather than right in the front of the store where all can see & hear us greet eachother for the first time. 9:10……9:20……no word……9:25 I decide to get on line & buy my book so I can go home. I had decided I didn’t really want to meet him and was only going through with this because I have found that if I take all opportunities, the one I really want does come along. Whereas if I close one door too soon….there aren’t any open.

Well, there’s one clerk at the registers and the customer up there is arguing something about her membership lapsing but she wants to renew at the un-lapsed price. So it takes a few minutes before the clerk can help me. Isn’t that when he texts me? “Where are you?” I sent it back “In the store”. “But where”………and I look up as I am texting a response to see this guy staring at me.

It’s him.

He is 2-3 inches shorter than he claimed & his hair was supposed to be blondish & was brown. He did not look at all like I expected him to look. So I shook his hand & said it was nice to finally meet him. We went to the counter to get coffee & I ordered my decaf, nonfat, caramel macchiatto. He looks at me and says “wow.” I said “What?” He said “What is that?” I replied with “Don’t you go to Starbucks?” “Nope” He got a diet soda.

I told him to take his soda & sit while I fixed my coffee. He follwed me instead. I could see I was leading this whole thing so I did what I had to do and then walked past him to sit down. I took off my coat (and I looked good by the way…..red sweater, black skirt & heels) and he just stood there. I went with the idea that if this lawyer with free airline travel for 2 all of the time on Delta is worth anything, I may as well look killer amazing. I know that sounds so “un-me” but I am sad, depressed, finding incompatible weirdos, and want to have a relationship and if this is the way to do it, so be it. He sits down & then quickly stands up to take off his black bulky sweater so he can sit in his black tshirt with his muscley biceps sticking out. Yeah–not impressed. And I am into arms……..but the whole package had turned me off already so this did nothing to sway me.

I asked him if he was going to Fla that weekend as he had whined about earlier. “Well, I don’t want to go alone & I have this “thing” that I feel as if the plane is going to crash or something.” I said I’d go anyway seeing as the chances of that happening are slim to none. He said “I don’t feel like going alone. You can still come if you want to.” “Ummm…..we talked about this, remember?” “Yeah. It’s too soon. I guess you are right.” Ah, the statement of the evening. Right up there with Mr. Box of Rox’s “Absolutely”.

So we talked a bit more. I asked him about his bias towards uneducated people. He whined a bit that he wants someone who can speak with professionals. I pointed out that just because someone has a degree it only makes them wise in that area. They can still be a moron. He said he likes someone who can speak well…..like me. I said “I can do the Long Island thing instantly (and did it) if you’d like”. To which he recoiled and looked at me as if I had lost it. Shocking to many who have heard me speak without it.

I tried to talk about music and concerts & the beach & casinos but he kept going to students & school and plagiarism. BORING! And that’s what I said to him. He then smiles at me and says “You are a beautiful, intelligent woman. Your ex is a fool to have let you go.” I said “I know. They are all fools for having done so. ” and I smiled that facetious grin that I do every now and again. He was serious. I was screwing around.

At 10:25 I decided it was time to go. I figured I’d be there an hour & then leave. An hour is good whether you like the person or not. It gives a fair assessment of whether you would want to sit with them again or if there is just nothing between you. So I told him I had meetings the next morning–true—and that it was best if I went home to prepare for them. He offered to walk me to my car because he was staying at the bookstore. I said “That’s okay, thank you, but I walked myself in here.” He said “No no. It’s not right for you to leave alone.” I said “I came in alone. I’m a big girl & I think I can walk myself out.” So he walked me to the door & I immedaitely stuck out my hand so we could shake….no more awkward NYU moments for me! My final words were “I’ll speak to you soon!” good blow-off line if you ask me.

I pretty much ran out of there as fast as my heels could go. Thank goodness I will never have to do that again.

This is finishing the never gonna happen meeting with Mr Sarcasm.

I had posted a couple weeks ago about a man referred to as Mr. Sarcasm.  He was sarcastic in his profile and gave me a difficult time when I didn’t get the sarcasm and tried to explain that I was only interested in meeting someone who was going to be upfront and honest from the beginning.  I should have listened to myself. 

Mr. Sarcasm had been iming me the instant my name popped up on the aol screen. My laptop was running slow and the screen was not even open when his im would appear. Had we gone out on a couple of dates, I may have found this charming or endearing.  But, we’d talked on the phone 4 times over a month; but that’s it.

And each time we talked, I became more and more turned off by him. He disclosed way too much information to me. He didn’t ask me questions about myself, other than the married-like “How was your day?” question. Bleh!

He called me while I was out with my friend (and keeper of this site) Doug, & left me — count them — two messages. So I felt bad & called him back. He pounced and wanted to know when we could meet. I was trapped and told him we could meet on Monday at 7:30ish.

So Wednesday I get the email “When are we meeting again?” and I said Monday. Thursday he called and talked about horrific things he’s seen as a cop that I specifically asked him to stop telling me about. I should have hung up the phone but I felt it would be rude….stupid manners….and stayed on.

I got the email that Saturday about us meeting on Monday. It was confirming the time and place AGAIN! Am I the only one listening to our conversations?

And what did I find in my inbox for emails that Monday? Another one saying how nice it was that we were meeting at 7:00. Wait. We said 7:30. And now I was not going.

I was just not interested.  How could he keep contacting and talk about nothing?  How could he set something up a week in advance and not remember the basics of the date HE was setting up?  This was already too much wasted effort on someone who did not truly seem interested in getting to know me or starting out a possible relationship on the right foot.

I have also checked my profile and every time he talked to me he checked out my profile. As if he needed a refresher of who it was he was contacting.  How about if you haven’t retained any of the info from it or from speaking with me, I can’t be bothered. I need someone with some form of memorization skills. ACK!

I went out on my first “match” date.  ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE! I say “Absolutely” because with each story I told, this guy had no idea what I was saying, and he’d nod in agreement and say “absolutely” to each comment. I may as well have spoken Japanese and I would have gotten the same remark.

We met at Starbucks. Innocent enough. He got out & looked sort of like his picture. Now, I believe my pics look like me. Why would I post something that doesn’t represent me in my usual hoodie on. The others are in Vegas with sweat dripping but I still look pretty good. Back to Mr. Absolutely.  His hair is buzzed shorter than the picture he sent, his muscles are bigger, and he seems stockier than what the picture showed. Okay, looks aren’t everything.

So we met. In the parking lot. He was nervous as his voice was shaky & jittery as he spoke with me. He drives a tractor trailer for the Post Office……from Bethpage to Philly five days a week. His profile said he has “some college”. Now I don’t need you to have a degree, but I need you to have a brain. This guy was a box of rox. Yes, I spelled it the way he would. “Some college” turns out to be that he tried to take an English class once and, after two classes, didn’t like it nor did he finish it. We talked. Aimlessly because when I thought we had a conversation going, he’d say “That’s like when……” and come up with something that had NOTHING to do with whatever! He asked me about the beer picture. So I was telling him about Munich & the Hofbrau & the radler and how the German boys made fun of us for drinking a radler. He responded with “I hate to fly”. I narrowed my eyes for a moment, feeling my forehead furrow, and said “Why do you hate to fly?” He replied “It was like this time my brother drove up from Florida with his two kids and I didn’t want to go to work the next day. So I called in sick and they couldn’t get anyone to cover my route from midnight ’til 4 am”.

Yeah—-that’s how I felt, too. The whole time I wanted to cry because he wasn’t (my ex) Cowboy.  Mr. Absolutely didn’t like to shop. He doesn’t like to fly. He CAN’T COMMUNICATE! And where is Cowboy, you ask?  Not here.