I know I have posted this once before, but I can not stress enough that you should not go back to a past relationship.  There is the saying that “it’s called a break up because it’s broken”.  I know I went back……briefly……..but I knew that I was not looking for anything from my ex.  I know that he has not changed nor will he ever change.  And I don’t want him to change.  Not for me or anyone else. 

I had stated that, too, in the blog somewhere.  That you should not change.  For anyone.  Nor should you expect the other person to change for you.  You are dating them for who they are; and they are dating you for who you are. 

To date someone and hope to change them is just wrong. 

And to think that someone you dated has ‘changed their ways’  is just plain silly.  And a BIG reason for you to not go back to them.  Take what you had, cherish it, learn from it, and move on.

Each failed relationship can be a learning experience to bring you closer to the relationship you want and deserve. 

Keep looking forward and be excited about the prospects.

My ex and I still talk.  Once in a blue moon.  We broke up nine years ago.  Gameboy is what I call him, because everything with him is a game.  His job is all strategy and game.  HIs relationships are games.  My emotions were somehting for him to play with….a.k.a. ‘game’. 

He was supposed to meet up with us on a Thursday night at a bar in NYC called Katwalk. Well, he never made it to the Katwalk, but he had said call him no matter what because he was going to drive me home. Nice! So I call & text him & get nothing. He had a meeting. So he calls me the next day & leaves me a message apologizing & says to call him back. So I do, but he doesn’t return the call.

Five days later, I got a text from him that said to call when I had a moment. So I called on my way out  & ended up leaving him a message. Shocker.  I then called him again when I was on my way home & could barely hear him. He was slurring his words & said something along he lines of his friend likes me and he feels bad & doesn’t know what to do & he is angry with me because he thinks I am seeing someone……….blah blah blah…………..and then hangs up on me.

I sent him a text two days later & did not hear  back from him. Oh the games we play!

I did not set out to write about pop culture or blog about shows.  But I caught last night’s episode of “The Hills” and I, too, am worried.  Not about Heidi, per se, but about the message that was sent out to so many impressionable women.  Notice I did not write ‘young’ as an adjective in there about these women.  Viewers of “The Hills” are in their late teens to their late thirties.  And so many women think that male behavior of any kind is acceptable.  That’s why we still have domestic abuse.

In last night episode of “The Hills”, when Heidi was confronted about her husband’s scary and out-of-control behavior, she said to two other women (Kristin and Audrina) that “All men are a little controlling”.  ??????  Did you hear the bells and whistles going off? 

Yes, men are a ’little controlling’.  Men who are insecure, weak, abusive, and trying to make themselves feel better by keeping a tight leash on you, Heidi, and proving to themselves that they are ‘a man’. 

A true man, a gentleman, is secure with himself.  He is not controlling.  He is fine when his wife or girlfriend has her own job, makes her own money, can take care of herself.  He likes it when she expresses interests in hobbies, her friends, and the relationship.  A man wants his wife or girlfriend to be herself; a whole person who can define herself with and without him.  He encourages her to try things, go out, and live life.  He then wants to be there later on to hear how exciting her day was or how she has taken to this new hobby and can’t wait to do it again. 

Heidi said that she doesn’t know who she is without her husband.  (I will not write his name in here as he has been such a publicity hound for a do-nothing jerk who has now realized that he is nothing and that is one reason why he controls this woman.)

My fear is that so many women who saw that episode last night will say “See?  Heidi is with that guy and she’s ok.  My guy acts just like that.  We’ll be fine.” 

No.  You won’t. 

Just because she justifies her husband’s behavior and stays with him and dismisses it as if it were a fly buzzing around her alfresco table does not mean it is okay.  Or healthy.  Or safe. 

To be in a healthy relationship, you should be able to define who you are as an individual first.  If you can’t do that, then you are not ready for a serious, long-term commitment.  You need to go into a relationship as a whole person with another person who is also whole.  Learn to define yourself for you and the relationship.  The relationship should not be all of you.   A romantic relationship is just one facet of our lives.  Is it fair to the other person if you go into it looking to define yourself through it?  No.

How do I know this?  How do I know that abuse is not good and will not change?  I was in one when I was a freshman in college.  It was a nightmare.  I went from being a happy, bubbly, confident young woman to someone who became isolated, lost friends, lost confidence, sat home every weekend crying, waiting for the phone to ring because he’d fight with me every Thursday so he could go out with his friends and then call late Sunday night to make up with me and be together again until the next Thursday night.

It became possessive.  Controlling.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive.   I was only in the relationship for 9 months, but feel the scars of it to this day. 

MTV needs to ‘pull the plug’ on those two characters and edit the remaining episodes to not include Heidi or her husband.  They need to do a special for young women and men that straightens out this mess created by these two sensationalized nobodys.  And they need to do it with real people; not Dr. Drew and others, as nobody wants to hear what doctors and psychologists have to say.  They need real people and their real stories.  They need some kind of dating workshop special to run so that women who watch can learn that it is okay to define yourself as a single person, to be happy with who you are, and that when they find someone, he, too, will be happy with who she is because of who she is to him.

Call me old-fashioned.  I am.  I don’t understand the rush with relationships.   I am a fan of the ‘silver screen’ classics.  I like a it of chivalry; a bit of mysetery.  I like a man who doesn’t want to speed up the process for any reason.

And, for this, I find it difficult to find a man.  A true gentleman.  So many want to make out after just an hour of face-to-face talking.  They want to do more and can’t figure out why I only want to talk.  Hello!  I don’t even know you!  And, in some cases, I just found out that you don’t really look the way you portrayed yourself in pictures on a dating site.

I’ve had men ask me in first phone calls what I’m willing to do and how soon it will be before we can do __________ (fill in the blank).  Some are the basics; some are raunchy — and maybe even illegal in some States.  I have had some who live 45 minutes away ask if they can stay the night if we do decide to meet up.  Why are you staying over?  It’s only a 45-minute drive.  And what makes you think that I’d let a strange man stay in my home?  Are you nuts?!?

I read about a study done that polled women to see how long they wait to have sex with a guy.  70% have sex within the first month of meeting someone.  I believe the study said 20% of that group has it on the first date.  Only 30% wait a month to three months and of that group, 13% wait at least three months.

I’m confused by all of this.  No wonder people are falling into and out of relationships like the stock market numbers climb and plummet within a day.  How about waiting to become intimate?  What’s the big deal?  We’ve all been there.  When we wait for intimacy and we have developed true feelings for a person.  We know that anything with that one is better; the kissing, the touching, even just the sparks that are given off by holding hands.  It goes beyond lust and the instant gratification of the physical needs. 

What about being monogomous?  And that does not mean you aren’t dating anyone else for the last two weeks…..simply because nobody ele has come along.  I mean true monogamy.  Where its been just you and that person and you’ve had the conversation that there is no one else and the focus is on just the two of you.

I want a date to be a date.  We go out.  We have an activity or a meal (or both).  We have good conversation.  And it ends with a hug or, just maybe, a kiss.  I want there to be anticipation.  I want there to be thoughtfulness and tenderness.  I want to know I’m an adult and that I am out with an adult and not some guy who still rages with his hormones like he’s 16 and looking for one thing. 

Slow and steady wins the race…………….or, in this case, the relationship.

LCT called. Three times. He called twice & then sent a text that said “please call”. He called 2 hours later & left a message: “Hi Tanya. This is LCT from Mulcaheys. Just calling to say hi and see what you are doing and to say that it was nice meeting you the other night. So give me a call & I’ll talk to you soon.”

OH SO PAINFUL!

So I figured I’d better call back before he sends out the National Guard looking to see if I really do exist or something. Our conversation was just as painful that afternoon as it was that Friday night in the bar. He didn’t have much to say. It took him 15 minutes of babbling and silence to finally ask if I wanted to grab a coffee or something. I told him that I would but I am not free until the following weekend. I (stupidly) mentioned that I was going to the city that Thursday with Christina (whom he says hello to) and he said “Oh! I wish I could go!” I said “yeah, well, so many wish they could but aren’t.” And I left it at that. I had to instruct him to call me mid-week. Not before and not after, as I would not be available and do not want endless messages on my cell. He said okay.

So now I am going to have to figure out how to go & politely let down this guy who took such a chance on approaching a woman in a bar that night. Why couldn’t he be normal?

Friday night brought about an interesting turn of events. My colleage/friend  & I had been chatting up the new librarian, “Crazy Joe” and thought it’d be fun to ask him to hang out. So, Crazy Joe, Christina & I all met up at Mulcahey’s for the last part of Happy Hour, some drinks, and some ‘getting to know you’ time. We had so much fun talking & laughing & sort of learning about the new young edition to the happy family that is Briar.

Then, Crazy Joe goes up to get us all drinks &, while he’s at the bar, this shy, low, close-talker slides over to the table and asks if he could buy us a drink. We politely declined & said that our friend was getting us drinks. Low/Close Talker (LCT) now tries to begin a conversation that neither of us could hear. Crazy Joe comes back, introduces himself &, thank goodness, for the first few minutes LCT was chatting up Christina. Crazy Joe & I flirted, as he admitted to being a HUGE flirt & if we are going to hang with him, we need to expect it. Then, somehow, LCT managed to work his way over to my side of the table. Great. I have this thing where I can’t be mean to someone who is trying to take a big step and approach someone. So, polite stupid me, I talk with him. Sort of. I can’t hear anything he is saying & he wasn’t saying much. He told me five times how my eyes are so beautiful. Yeah. The first time it was sweet. The second time was nice because he had something to focus on, I guess. But after that, come on. There has to be more to it than that. Weird. I mentioned that his friends seemed to disappear. He said they were waiting for a 4th to show & he’d be right back. With that, a girl shows up and is talking with LCT & the other 2 friends. I was relieved, thinking that his friend set him up on a blind date. Nope. LCT & the girl come back by me and she begins talking. She did most of the talking, as a matter of fact, and she was talking-up LCT. So when I said “Aren’t you guys on a date or something?” she said “NO! We’re cousins!”. WEIRD!

So she went back to their table and LCT stayed by us a bit more.

Crazy Joe had enough of the noise & wanted to grab a bite to eat. I was fine with that & as we were leaving, LCT asked for my number. Thankfully, Christina & I had an arrangement like that on the episode of ‘Friends’ where Monica makes all of Rachel’s dating decisions. I didn’t have to be the one to say ‘no’. Apparently, Christina didn’t have to say no either. After a bit of persuading, he managed to wrangle my number from her. Drat! He called my cell right there, but I couldn’t hear it, and she pointed this out to him. I guess he was checking to see if it was really mine.

Well, he called again about an hour later but I was busy. He left some random message saying how it was nice meeting me & he wants to get to know me better. Yeah. Fine. So I sent back a polite text the next morning saying “It was nice having met you, too. Hope you enjoyed the rest of your evening.” That was it.

Isn’t it odd that after all of his pursuing he did not contact me the next day? I mean, I was happy he didn’t but after all of that hassle & trouble, you think he would have, right?

Just as it is nice for a woman to act like a lady, a lady will always appreciate a true gentleman.  It doesn’t take much for many of us to swoon, and some of the gestures are so simple.  You’ll wonder why you didn’t just behave this way to begin with:

1.  Take the initiative — be the one to make the first contact.  Call her.  Notice I state call and not text.  Text friends.  Texts women with whom you do not want to attempt a relationship.  But, if you are interested in dating a woman, calling is the only acceptable method of contact.

2.  Plan a date — and I mean an honest-to-goodness date.  Do not ask if we ‘want to hang out’.  Hanging out is what we do with friends.  And do not ask if you can come over or if we will come to your place.  The activity doesn’t have to be pricey; but make sure there is a plan.  Whether its coffee and a walk through a pretty park or on the boardwalk to an actual dinner-date at a restaurant you had read a review about, have a plan in mind.

3.  Open doors for us — its a sweet gesture.  It will make us feel more like ladies.  Ignore the dippy woman who says “I can open my door myself”.  She obviously doesn’t get the concept of manners and you are wasting your time trying to explain it to her.  Just be firm and say “I know you can, but I’m going to do this anyway”.

4.  Don’t expect us to understand ‘guy humor’ — we aren’t guys.  And, usually, that is why you want to date us.  Many guys will ask if I watch “Family Guy” and when I say that I do not appreciate the type of humor, they continue on “But its a riot!  How can you not like it?!?”  I just don’t.  Its the same reason that you don’t always appreciate Lifetime movies.  We are different.  And be glad for those little differences.

5.  Smile — it makes you more attractive.

6.  Let us know you are interested — its easy.  When you say “I’m having a nice time with you”, mean it.  Don’t use it as a line that really means, “This is nice but I’m not into you”. 

7.  Be ready to pay — its old-fashioned, I know.  But it means a lot to us if you are actually willing to pay and are not expecting anything from us.  At all.  Many times we’ve gone on dates with guys that will ask us to “team up” when the check comes.  If you pursued us, planned the date, and then were not happy with the results, that is not our problem, most times.  That is on you.  And its not nice to now expect us to pay up because it wasn’t what you wanted.  And, don’t expect a kiss, make-out session, or “more” because you paid.  If you believe in physical reciprocity for taking us to dinner or a movie, then hire a prostitute. 

8.  If she offers to pay — don’t let her.  Unless you want to lose a chance at Date #2.  Some women do this to test a guy.  Cruel, but true.  If he allows her to pay, she knows to not go out with him again.  If she puts up a fuss, let her fuss.  Don’t let her pay.  Trust me.  She’s likely to make a suggestion for a plan (Date #2) and may treat you.  And wouldn’t that be nice!

9.  Offer to walk the lady to her car — but don’t be upset if she says “no”.  A no to walk her to her car may not be a no to you.  When meeting and dating complete strangers, one can never be too safe.  She may not want you to know the make/model of her car out of safety.  Offer to walk her.  If she says no, ask if she is sure because you’d like to.  If she says no again, then accept it and ask her to text you when she gets home. 

10.  Email (or call) the next day — don’t buy into such stupid rules as in waiting three days to contact.  Do what feels right.  And an email is a safe way to either let someone know you had a nice time and would like to do this again or if you just aren’t into it and will not be calling for that second date.  But don’t leave us hanging.  A gentleman would never do that to a lady.

Now this guy has it down. He texts. First or in response. We are both busy & know that even a text to try and figure out more about the other is better than nothing (Mr. Unemployed…..). He called Friday night to tell me to have fun & be careful getting home. He knew I would never hear the phone if I am in a bar, but he made the effort……………….(Mr Unemployed? Hear that? Effort.).

Christina listened to his message while we were at the Anchor Bar & she kept making petting motions with her hand towards me because he is that yummy on the phone. Yes he is WAY TOO YOUNG but I can still meet up with him for a drink & a teddy bear, can’t I?

Its nice when a guy wants to get to know more about you and to tell you more about himself when there is little time to do so.  Time constraints are BIG right now and when a person wants to at least let you know that he is still interested and this is not just a blow-off is refreshing.  Maybe he’s like this because he is young and has had less of a chance to become jaded.  Maybe he is just more of a gentleman.  Maybe he’s new to dating and a late-bloomer.  Whatever he is, its nice to have effort on his part.