I know I have posted this once before, but I can not stress enough that you should not go back to a past relationship.  There is the saying that “it’s called a break up because it’s broken”.  I know I went back……briefly……..but I knew that I was not looking for anything from my ex.  I know that he has not changed nor will he ever change.  And I don’t want him to change.  Not for me or anyone else. 

I had stated that, too, in the blog somewhere.  That you should not change.  For anyone.  Nor should you expect the other person to change for you.  You are dating them for who they are; and they are dating you for who you are. 

To date someone and hope to change them is just wrong. 

And to think that someone you dated has ‘changed their ways’  is just plain silly.  And a BIG reason for you to not go back to them.  Take what you had, cherish it, learn from it, and move on.

Each failed relationship can be a learning experience to bring you closer to the relationship you want and deserve. 

Keep looking forward and be excited about the prospects.

I did not set out to write about pop culture or blog about shows.  But I caught last night’s episode of “The Hills” and I, too, am worried.  Not about Heidi, per se, but about the message that was sent out to so many impressionable women.  Notice I did not write ‘young’ as an adjective in there about these women.  Viewers of “The Hills” are in their late teens to their late thirties.  And so many women think that male behavior of any kind is acceptable.  That’s why we still have domestic abuse.

In last night episode of “The Hills”, when Heidi was confronted about her husband’s scary and out-of-control behavior, she said to two other women (Kristin and Audrina) that “All men are a little controlling”.  ??????  Did you hear the bells and whistles going off? 

Yes, men are a ’little controlling’.  Men who are insecure, weak, abusive, and trying to make themselves feel better by keeping a tight leash on you, Heidi, and proving to themselves that they are ‘a man’. 

A true man, a gentleman, is secure with himself.  He is not controlling.  He is fine when his wife or girlfriend has her own job, makes her own money, can take care of herself.  He likes it when she expresses interests in hobbies, her friends, and the relationship.  A man wants his wife or girlfriend to be herself; a whole person who can define herself with and without him.  He encourages her to try things, go out, and live life.  He then wants to be there later on to hear how exciting her day was or how she has taken to this new hobby and can’t wait to do it again. 

Heidi said that she doesn’t know who she is without her husband.  (I will not write his name in here as he has been such a publicity hound for a do-nothing jerk who has now realized that he is nothing and that is one reason why he controls this woman.)

My fear is that so many women who saw that episode last night will say “See?  Heidi is with that guy and she’s ok.  My guy acts just like that.  We’ll be fine.” 

No.  You won’t. 

Just because she justifies her husband’s behavior and stays with him and dismisses it as if it were a fly buzzing around her alfresco table does not mean it is okay.  Or healthy.  Or safe. 

To be in a healthy relationship, you should be able to define who you are as an individual first.  If you can’t do that, then you are not ready for a serious, long-term commitment.  You need to go into a relationship as a whole person with another person who is also whole.  Learn to define yourself for you and the relationship.  The relationship should not be all of you.   A romantic relationship is just one facet of our lives.  Is it fair to the other person if you go into it looking to define yourself through it?  No.

How do I know this?  How do I know that abuse is not good and will not change?  I was in one when I was a freshman in college.  It was a nightmare.  I went from being a happy, bubbly, confident young woman to someone who became isolated, lost friends, lost confidence, sat home every weekend crying, waiting for the phone to ring because he’d fight with me every Thursday so he could go out with his friends and then call late Sunday night to make up with me and be together again until the next Thursday night.

It became possessive.  Controlling.  Mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive.   I was only in the relationship for 9 months, but feel the scars of it to this day. 

MTV needs to ‘pull the plug’ on those two characters and edit the remaining episodes to not include Heidi or her husband.  They need to do a special for young women and men that straightens out this mess created by these two sensationalized nobodys.  And they need to do it with real people; not Dr. Drew and others, as nobody wants to hear what doctors and psychologists have to say.  They need real people and their real stories.  They need some kind of dating workshop special to run so that women who watch can learn that it is okay to define yourself as a single person, to be happy with who you are, and that when they find someone, he, too, will be happy with who she is because of who she is to him.

Call me old-fashioned.  I am.  I don’t understand the rush with relationships.   I am a fan of the ‘silver screen’ classics.  I like a it of chivalry; a bit of mysetery.  I like a man who doesn’t want to speed up the process for any reason.

And, for this, I find it difficult to find a man.  A true gentleman.  So many want to make out after just an hour of face-to-face talking.  They want to do more and can’t figure out why I only want to talk.  Hello!  I don’t even know you!  And, in some cases, I just found out that you don’t really look the way you portrayed yourself in pictures on a dating site.

I’ve had men ask me in first phone calls what I’m willing to do and how soon it will be before we can do __________ (fill in the blank).  Some are the basics; some are raunchy — and maybe even illegal in some States.  I have had some who live 45 minutes away ask if they can stay the night if we do decide to meet up.  Why are you staying over?  It’s only a 45-minute drive.  And what makes you think that I’d let a strange man stay in my home?  Are you nuts?!?

I read about a study done that polled women to see how long they wait to have sex with a guy.  70% have sex within the first month of meeting someone.  I believe the study said 20% of that group has it on the first date.  Only 30% wait a month to three months and of that group, 13% wait at least three months.

I’m confused by all of this.  No wonder people are falling into and out of relationships like the stock market numbers climb and plummet within a day.  How about waiting to become intimate?  What’s the big deal?  We’ve all been there.  When we wait for intimacy and we have developed true feelings for a person.  We know that anything with that one is better; the kissing, the touching, even just the sparks that are given off by holding hands.  It goes beyond lust and the instant gratification of the physical needs. 

What about being monogomous?  And that does not mean you aren’t dating anyone else for the last two weeks…..simply because nobody ele has come along.  I mean true monogamy.  Where its been just you and that person and you’ve had the conversation that there is no one else and the focus is on just the two of you.

I want a date to be a date.  We go out.  We have an activity or a meal (or both).  We have good conversation.  And it ends with a hug or, just maybe, a kiss.  I want there to be anticipation.  I want there to be thoughtfulness and tenderness.  I want to know I’m an adult and that I am out with an adult and not some guy who still rages with his hormones like he’s 16 and looking for one thing. 

Slow and steady wins the race…………….or, in this case, the relationship.

Just as it is nice for a woman to act like a lady, a lady will always appreciate a true gentleman.  It doesn’t take much for many of us to swoon, and some of the gestures are so simple.  You’ll wonder why you didn’t just behave this way to begin with:

1.  Take the initiative — be the one to make the first contact.  Call her.  Notice I state call and not text.  Text friends.  Texts women with whom you do not want to attempt a relationship.  But, if you are interested in dating a woman, calling is the only acceptable method of contact.

2.  Plan a date — and I mean an honest-to-goodness date.  Do not ask if we ‘want to hang out’.  Hanging out is what we do with friends.  And do not ask if you can come over or if we will come to your place.  The activity doesn’t have to be pricey; but make sure there is a plan.  Whether its coffee and a walk through a pretty park or on the boardwalk to an actual dinner-date at a restaurant you had read a review about, have a plan in mind.

3.  Open doors for us — its a sweet gesture.  It will make us feel more like ladies.  Ignore the dippy woman who says “I can open my door myself”.  She obviously doesn’t get the concept of manners and you are wasting your time trying to explain it to her.  Just be firm and say “I know you can, but I’m going to do this anyway”.

4.  Don’t expect us to understand ‘guy humor’ — we aren’t guys.  And, usually, that is why you want to date us.  Many guys will ask if I watch “Family Guy” and when I say that I do not appreciate the type of humor, they continue on “But its a riot!  How can you not like it?!?”  I just don’t.  Its the same reason that you don’t always appreciate Lifetime movies.  We are different.  And be glad for those little differences.

5.  Smile — it makes you more attractive.

6.  Let us know you are interested — its easy.  When you say “I’m having a nice time with you”, mean it.  Don’t use it as a line that really means, “This is nice but I’m not into you”. 

7.  Be ready to pay — its old-fashioned, I know.  But it means a lot to us if you are actually willing to pay and are not expecting anything from us.  At all.  Many times we’ve gone on dates with guys that will ask us to “team up” when the check comes.  If you pursued us, planned the date, and then were not happy with the results, that is not our problem, most times.  That is on you.  And its not nice to now expect us to pay up because it wasn’t what you wanted.  And, don’t expect a kiss, make-out session, or “more” because you paid.  If you believe in physical reciprocity for taking us to dinner or a movie, then hire a prostitute. 

8.  If she offers to pay — don’t let her.  Unless you want to lose a chance at Date #2.  Some women do this to test a guy.  Cruel, but true.  If he allows her to pay, she knows to not go out with him again.  If she puts up a fuss, let her fuss.  Don’t let her pay.  Trust me.  She’s likely to make a suggestion for a plan (Date #2) and may treat you.  And wouldn’t that be nice!

9.  Offer to walk the lady to her car — but don’t be upset if she says “no”.  A no to walk her to her car may not be a no to you.  When meeting and dating complete strangers, one can never be too safe.  She may not want you to know the make/model of her car out of safety.  Offer to walk her.  If she says no, ask if she is sure because you’d like to.  If she says no again, then accept it and ask her to text you when she gets home. 

10.  Email (or call) the next day — don’t buy into such stupid rules as in waiting three days to contact.  Do what feels right.  And an email is a safe way to either let someone know you had a nice time and would like to do this again or if you just aren’t into it and will not be calling for that second date.  But don’t leave us hanging.  A gentleman would never do that to a lady.

Women believe that in order to be seen as “equal”, they must behave more like a man.  This is so not true!  Men don’t want to date a woman who acts like a man.  They want to date a lady.  So, some easy things to do to remind him, and you, that the ‘feminime mystique’ is an attractive quality:

1.  Let the man make the first call — sounds antiquated, but many of the men I went out with felt more masculine because we kicked things off with him taking the lead.

2.  Let the man plan the date — the only thing you should do is tell him of allergies to food or fear of heights if he has you sky diving.  Otherwise, just smile, cooperate, and allow him this time-old tradition.  If he asks for some ideas, give him two and then allow him to make the final decision.

3.  Let him open the door for you — so many women squawk “I can open my own door”.  Yes yes, we get that.  But can’t you just see he is being polite, considerate, and trying to make a good impression?  Why can’t you just smile, say ‘thank you’, and walk through the door?

4.  Don’t swear — I have posted this a few times and yet so many women curse up a storm.  Why?  It’s not pretty.  And, in such an image-driven society where so many strive to be the ‘prettiest’, why are these same women flinging profane words all over the place?

5.  Smile — he will find you more attractive

6.  Say thank you — it’s not that hard.

7.  Offer to pay — I know this does not sound lady-like, but its a polite gesture and he (hopefully) not see you as a potential gold digger as so many men believe women to be.

8.  If he lets you pay part or all — don’t become insulted.  If you believe he should have paid, then this may be a sign that he sees you as the meal ticket.  This will tip you off to not go out with him again.  If you believe that, in such tough economic times, a relationship, budding or in full-swing, may need the wallets of both in order to go out and have a good time, then be glad you could help out.

9.  Allow him to walk you to your car — if you feel safe enough with him knowing what you car looks like (and maybe the license plate #).  I met a few people that I did not want them to walk me to my car.  In those cases, I just smiled and said I was fine to walk myself and waved as I quickly strode away.

10.  Email him the next day — since so many of my (and my friends’) encounters came from dating sites, we had already gone through the email process.  Email him a nice ‘thank you’ and let him know if you had a nice time or if you really don’t want to see him again.  This way he will know if he should contact you to go out again or not.

(Disclaimer:  I had written this on March 4th but waited to post it.  Then Lori, an AOL staff writer posted her article yesterday about something very similar.  So, realize that this is not a spin-off of hers.  It was and is all mine.)

Scene:  a date early on in the getting-to-know-you stage

You have gone out a few times and enjoyed each one.  You aren’t sure if you like the person or not.  You aren’t sure if the other person likes you or not.  Its that vague “waiting game” to see if plans will be made again and if this is going to go anywhere.

You leave feeling pretty good about how things have been going.  The other person says “I’ll call you tomorrow”.  This is a good sign.  Tomorrow comes and no call.  Hmmmmmm……..    The next day is the same:  no call.  Then you start checking your texts and emails to see if the person left you a message that way.  Nope.  So, that’s it?  It’s already over?  It barely began!

Be adult about this people!  If you go out on one date or a few dates and just ‘aren’t feeling it’, then say so!  Call the person and tell them that it was nice getting to know them but “this” just isn’t for you.  If you are too chicken to call and its been less than four dates, send an email saying “Thank you but no thank you”.

  Nobody appreciates going out on a few dates with someone to have them diappear and not even have the courtesy to mention it.  And it seems all too accepted and common in today’s dating scene.

Well, if you want to be a grown-up and go out on dates, then you need to also be able to tell someone when it just isn’t the right fit for you.  It goes back to that whole courtesy thing I’ve mentioned in past posts.  I’ve done it and received emails back thanking me for at least being honest and not just leaving the guy hanging.

Closure.  “It’s a good thing.”

I just saw a commercial for one dating site that asks you to sign up for their site over some of the others.  The commercial comments “Why would I need to sign up for a dating site for a year if they are matching me on my compatibility?” 

If you’ve been on dating sites, you know why it may take a year before you actually find someone and are “off the market”.  People lie.  Many people fill out the profiles with what they believe others want to hear or have and not the honest truth.

And that causes one to be matched up with people with whom they have nothing in common.  I was on a site for 9 months….not consecutively.  But, over the course of a year, I was on nine months.  Each time I signed up, I was matched with a lot of people who were nice or had similar interests, but the chemistry was not there.  I will say that, with each subscritpion, I did find that ONE to date that lasted for some time.  So, a year is not out of the question.

And, let’s face it, how long have you been doing it your way?  A few years.  And how is that working for you?  Huh?  Not well if you are still single and looking.  Be patient and give it time.  Don’t expect miracles.  Just go out and meet people and enjoy.  The relationship will eventually come.

I am not a big fan of kissing on the first date.  A kiss on the cheek or a brief peck on the lips may be fine, but it won’t go beyond that.  And, when you are kissing someone, be gentle and take your time.

Too many people look to do some pretty heavy making out on a first or second date.  Its as if they are starving.  A friend of mine went out with a guy that she met on a site.  They sat at Starbucks talking away for their first date.  When they left, he walked her over to her car and then kissed her.  But it wasn’t a kiss.  He somehow managed to suck in her lower lip and wouldn’t release it. 

I, too, have been traumatized by what some people think is a good kiss.  I had one guy give me some dry, tight-lipped push on my lips that reminded me of what an elderly uncle would do to your cheek.  Horror! 

And another guy decided that his tight-lipped kiss wasn’t enough for him and proceeded to lick the area around my mouth as I sat there trapped.  Just took his tongue and traced my chin and the area between my nose and upper lip.  I’m still trying to find the right support group for that one.

Pay attention to the signals being sent by the other person. 

I know I sent out big signals to both bad kissers when my body tightened up and I tried to back away.  Somehow, they thought that meant lean in further.  Nope. 

Wanna have a successful first kiss?  Use chapstick.  Relax.  Be gentle.  Go slow.  Pay attention to signals.